There are books that talk about “trans sexuality” and I personally find them completely alienating. Many of them discuss the mechanics of having sex with trans people, and focus on our bodies and separate us out from others, and to me that’s the least interesting, least recognizable part of any of it. My sexuality is located in my fetishes, and in the larger communities that I am a part of, and I guess I see my transness as more of a part of my back history than my sexual identity in any way. I’m just not the person to ask about it. My sexuality is very headspace- and role-focused instead rather than body-focused, and so my transness is barely relevant.
The books that have been helpful to me have been ones like Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Passtime, Beyond Shame: Reclaiming the Abandoned History of Radical Gay Sexuality, Extreme Space: The Domination and Submission Handbook, Behind the Screen: How Gays and Lesbians Shaped Hollywood, Ana Valen’s blog NSFW.substack.com, and all the gay, hypno-y erotica I have consumed online.
that said, if people have read books on trans people and sexuality that you did find useful, let us know!
gods, i'm quite jealous of your social circles. over here queer groups/gatherings, and somehow especially trans ones, are FUCKING obsessed with agab. which is just so baffling. we're being fuck gender roles, normative sexuality &c, and then people turn around and are like "except birth assignment is the MOST IMPORTANTEST EVAH". transmisogyny does shit to people i feel, fucks them up bad, and i'm not just saying that as a trans woman directly affected, that shit & the wellspring of thought it stems from fucking poisons communities
Yepp it’s maddennning. And I think, to be fair, that my ability to escape a lot of this shit in gay male spaces is still a reflection of transmisogny, or rather my privilege as someone not transmisogny affected. I generally notice that gay male spaces do tend to treat trans women as though they belong there, but that can itself be invalidating, in much the same way that when lesbian spaces try to include me I’m just driven up the wall with annoyance. I wish that trans women, trans wlw especially, could be treated in the blase, hey, of course you belong here, we don’t see you differently kind of way I am in gay spaces. I have seen a BIT of that at Dorothy’s, and some more cruise-y lesbian spaces and lesbian leather events when I’ve been there with friends, but I know the social landscape as a whole is just way worse for them… more women centered queer spaces seem to be far more interested in birth assignment for a lot of reasons and it’s gross. And sadly many “trans” spaces are historically an offshoot of “women and nonbinary” events and show that influence in how they think about gender. Hence my perennial not-quite-a-joke that I’d like to see a hell of a lot more men and nonbinary spaces lol.
and one of the things i love about being in gay male sexual spaces is that my transness is just, not a thing that matters to most people. i get asked when i first came out as gay, not when i stopped being a woman or whatever. i get asked if i top or bottom or verse, not whether i was “female socialized”. a lot of guys care more about how much BDSM gear I own than which anatomical parts i have. there are people who are ignorant sometimes, which i can deal with, and there are people who just aren’t into me, which is a normal thing to have to accept, and there are social superficialities and status and drama and all manner of normal human problems, but my transness is never the problem or the thing i’m singled out for. the only other spaces where i am not reduced to my body or my gender assignment are trans spaces populated with a lot of trans women (i enjoy being around other trans people as well, but in a large social group there really has to be a critical mass of trans femme people there to signal it’s not the kind of space that’s gonna be obsessed with gender assignment and socialization bullshit. spaces with a variety of different identities of trans people are far more recognizable and safe feeling than ones that separate people by assignment, because, well, we’re transgender over here! why would we be treating agab like it’s the most important thing?).
Anonymous
Are you aware of any good books around trans people and sexuality that you would recommend others to read?
There are books that talk about “trans sexuality” and I personally find them completely alienating. Many of them discuss the mechanics of having sex with trans people, and focus on our bodies and separate us out from others, and to me that’s the least interesting, least recognizable part of any of it. My sexuality is located in my fetishes, and in the larger communities that I am a part of, and I guess I see my transness as more of a part of my back history than my sexual identity in any way. I’m just not the person to ask about it. My sexuality is very headspace- and role-focused instead rather than body-focused, and so my transness is barely relevant.
The books that have been helpful to me have been ones like Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Passtime, Beyond Shame: Reclaiming the Abandoned History of Radical Gay Sexuality, Extreme Space: The Domination and Submission Handbook, Behind the Screen: How Gays and Lesbians Shaped Hollywood, Ana Valen’s blog NSFW.substack.com, and all the gay, hypno-y erotica I have consumed online.
Anonymous
hey, I just want to say as someone who’s really struggling as a white autistic chronically ill queer with figuring out how to overcome shame and fears and develop into the person I want to be - one who can truly take criticism and actively partake in community and change in a sustainable, long-term way: thank You for being so open about Your journey and being an active voice that says it is not hopeless, it is just a lot of work, and to just keep going. it gives me a lot of hope, and reading Your work has on countless occasions helped keep me from spiraling into a hopeless pit of despair because of how unachievable everything felt. just… thank You.
💪💪💪💪💪💪
Anonymous
we’ve never met and probably never will but my life is a little less shitty because of you. been following you forever, really grateful you exist and for all the bits and pieces of yourself you’ve chosen to share with us over the years. 💋🦄🐎
Wow Thanks! Glad I could be there. Have a good holiday!
Oh, my heart will fantasize of Eden
My love, my dream, make love to me
Surrender your spirit, sing my eulogy
Oh, my heart is chained to thee, my angel
You haven’t seen the last of me, my love
I give you everything
just met the most adorable little alabama gay couple at steamworks. one t boy one cis boy who moved here together in 2021. so friendly. and i immediately copied their accent without meaning to bc it is so similar to some relatives’. god bless these warm vibes in the frigid cold
I have almost no energy to move or to think. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. I’m constantly on the verge of puking. The room is spinning. Normally bouncing off the walls with the desire to exercise, try new things, and socialize, all I want to do is sit silently in the dark. I am incapacitated, in an inescapable way, by the demands of full-time work.
I had forgotten for a while that I am so profoundly disabled, because I have been able to build a life around my natural rhythms and my inarguable sensitivities. But for just one week, I’ve been thrust back into approximating something of a “normal” working life, and I can’t handle it. Not even remotely.
If I were to live by this schedule all of the time, if necessity forced me to work an actual full-time job with real, in-person, full-time hours, I would have zero energy for meal preparation, physical fitness, social outings, on-the-ground activism, or any of the random adventures that make life so worthwhile. In my schedule I’d scarcely find the time for doctor’s visits, tooth cleanings, trips to the DMV, birthday parties, conferences, runs to the post office, or any of the other small journeys that make it possible for supposedly “independent” adult life to run. My health, my relationships, my community, and my grounding in reality would dramatically collapse.
Working full-time is a sickness. And not just for especially sensitive people like me. The friends I know with full-time jobs are tired nearly all the time, and have had to give up on so many of their passions and fulfilling pursuits. Over the years some full-time workers I know have become a bit dull-eyed and distant, no passion in their voice, a ghost of their younger selves. They assume it is because they are growing “old,” but I’m older than many of them, and many people older than me are similarly able to bounce off the walls.
We have energy if we get enough sleep, if we eat robustly and eagerly, and if life is filled with shared wanderings that we can look forward to. We need repetition, and comfort, and rest, but also ample space to dream, and the power to bring some of those dreams into reality. So many people under capitalism lack all of those things. Their jobs are a chronic illness they must cradle, manage, and make endless sacrifices for every single day.
There is so much they can’t do. They don’t go on dates with their spouses because they’re falling asleep at 8pm. They’re behind on doctor’s appointments and haven’t visited their siblings for years. They’re too weak and weary to travel, to volunteer, to meet anybody new. All they have it in them to do at the end of the day is collapse in front of something familiar on the TV. And it is so normal that nobody even considers it a sickness.
I’m a survivor of the terror attacks who lived 4 blocks east of the World Trade Center. I lost my home that day, spent years homeless and destitute, and I carry a Zadroga Act diagnosis of 9/11-connected PTSD. If anyone who’s doing this RP needs character coaching or if you need help with authentic scenarios, I’m available for consulting services at reasonable rates. DM me here or leave your number on the men’s room wall at any leather bar and it’ll get to me in 24 hours. Happy 9/11 y'all, and remember fireworks are unsafe and illegal in most jurisdictions.
Anonymous
are you a deer irl?
as often as possible
Anonymous
Do you mind answering a top surgery question? I'm debating nipples vs no nipples and wondering what your sensation is like without them! I've heard that there's kinda no telling how the nerves will reconnect, so even with nipple grafts it's kind of a crapshoot whether the sensation you end up with is actually "behind" your nipple grafts at all, if that makes sense? What's the sensory experience like for you these days?
My chest basically feels the way it used to feel when my tits were crammed into a tight binder. You know that sensation, of your nipples being pressed inward and kind of, contained, and then covered with a layer of fabric so not they’re not fully accessible? That’s how it feels. I can imagine where my nipples should be, roughly, but it’s not located on my actual chest skin – it feels like it’s somewhere deeper underneath, and compressed and more widely distributed throughout the chest rather than located in a single spot. I can grab and pinch at the approximate area to find it and achieve nipple stimulation though.
I was never the hugest fan of nipple stimulation, so it’s not a big loss for me. Not being able to be clamped is one thing that’s gone, I guess, but i could still use clothespins on the general area. overall I love the neutered look – it feels less human which is perfect for me. I don’t really find nipples to be a turn on at all, on myself or anyone else, and this makes me look more like a little deer or an androgynous robot.
It’s only been six months, so who knows if the nerves will do anything else weird, but i’m really happy with how it is now.
Anonymous
